CHAD.

Born in a town too small for a Cadillac dealership, Chad drove 200 miles to get his first one. He was 17. It was gold. It was loud. The neighbours filed three separate complaints. He framed them.

If it doesn't turn heads, it doesn't leave the driveway. Every car gets a name. Every banana gets eaten. No exceptions.

• Has never met a horn he didn't honk
• Carries a banana at all times ("for emergencies")
• Once parallel-parked a '76 Eldorado in a space meant for a compact
• Considers "understated" a slur
• Legally changed middle name to "Chadillac" in 2019